Tuesday, September 01, 2009

A Sudden Twist

So Monday was the last day of the webinars. Yay! I didn’t really know how to celebrate – and was kind of feeling a drift cause I didn’t know what “the next thing” was going to be.

I shouldn’t have worried. Something always comes up, right?

So at the end of the day, when the president and the GM walked into the conference room I thought they were going to say, “Good job, but you got to get back to the old routine or something. Of course, I was just irritated – because I had class last night – and I needed to do some polishing on what I’d written, and didn’t want to be stuck there “passing the time” as the president is wont to do.

They didn’t say, “Good job”, and they didn’t say, “Get back to the old routine.” Instead they said, “Here’s your last paycheck.”

I was shocked to be laid off, but not shocked that it was me. It’s no secret there was little love lost between the president and I.

So – the good news is I made it to (and through) my writing class last night. I’m not so sure why I was so fixated on getting to class –I felt like I was in a bell jar – and figured I should take advantage of the reprieve as long as it will last.
After class I made it home ok. I sent out a few eMails to those who absolute HAD to know what was going on; (My parents, my brother, and a few select friends.)

Today, I made it through Day 1. I guess it’s kind of like walking. If you can make it through Day 1, then you can get through Day 2, etc.

Of course, you know I’m a list person. So when I got home from class, I already had a list going. Who needed to be notified, in what order. Who could be grouped together and who needed to be told separately.

Then another list of expenses I knew I could cut immediately.

Then a “to-do” list for in the morning.

With my lists in place I went to bed.

I slept okay last night - a few work related dreams (when will THOSE stop I wonder??) but overall, I was able to sleep and that was good. I got up this morning, took my shower, made my bed, and started on the eMail project.

I’ve never been laid off before – and so I really didn’t know what I needed to do – or how anything works. Thankfully? I have a few friends who are in the same situation. They promptly responded with links to unemployment applications, suggestions that have benefited them, and all around good advice.

Another thing I did before I went to bed last night I gave myself a stern “talking to”. It was along the lines that I needed to make a daily schedule and I MUST stick to it. I cannot afford to procrastinate. I’m afraid that if I do, I will never climb out of the hole.

So – I got up at my normal time this morning, ate breakfast, read the paper. I looked at my list and set to work.
I already have a tentative daily schedule in place. I will be meeting with another friend each morning and we’ll be walking. Membership to the Y was one of the first things to go. But I think having a commitment to meet someone else – and someone in the same position is a good strategy.

I plan on giving myself a word limit each day for writing. I’ve really been struggling to achieve the BIC method. Well – not so hard to get my butt in the chair – but very hard to actually write and not read 101 blogs, and comment.

So – each morning will be: Get up – get a shower – get dressed. BIC and write for two hours (or until walking time). No emails and no internet reading. After the exercise, it will be 2 hours of job “stuff”. Writing resumes, applying for jobs, follow up stuff – whatever it is.

Mornings are my most “creative” time – so I want to take full advantage of that. Now that we’re at the tail end of summer, afternoons can be used for yard work (notified the lawn guy – so now I have to learn to dodge Poison Oak/Ivy that proliferates in my yard), house work, cooking, reading, more writing etc.

Another “rule” I’ve set for myself is “right now”. I am so glad my house is clean and in order at this very moment and I didn’t walk into a house of chaos. So “right now” means I must keep it this way. There is now putting off dishes, bed making or whatever “for later”. That way I won’t have to worry about stuff piling up and getting overwhelmed.

I think that’s what I’m most scared of. Getting overwhelmed and not being able to cope. I don’t want to treat all these steps as talismans and think if I follow them my life will “get back to normal” quickly. But I also want to make sure I can’t berate myself for “not doing it”. LOLLYGAGGING and PROCRASTINATING are two of my MOST FAVORITE things; I think they will undo me if I am not careful.

Beyond this – some rather amazing things/support has come my way. I keep cautioning myself this is ONLY “Day 1” and “Day 365” might not feel this productive or breezy or full of support and encouragement. But I am also determined to try and only look at “right now”. I know this is how I should conduct my life and Christian walk anyway. ‘cause “right now” is all I can handle – and someone else is taking care of the future and I can’t do anything about the past.

Speaking of the future … I have no idea what it holds. I know my job is to be open to it – to BOLDLY pursue everything. Boldness to me means I must leave my doubts behind and not let those thoughts of inadequacy and “less than” take over. Because I am still in the “bell jar” it is very easy to sit here and say, “It will be so.”

So if you feel inclined to offer up a prayer on my behalf, that’s what I’d ask you to pray for: boldness and “it will be so”.
My “musical thought” for the day comes from Melody Garot, “If the Stars Were Mine”.

I really like the "feel" of this song. Very late 50s rat-packish. When I chose this to be the song for the day it was because of the sound ... and I thought I might be able to do something with the lyrics.

If the stars were mine 
I'd give them all to you 
I'd pluck them down right from the sky 
and leave it only blue 

I would never let the sun 
forget to shine upon your face 
so when others would have rain clouds 
you'd have only sunny days 

If the stars were mine
I'd tell you what I'd do 

I'd put the stars right in a jar 
and give them all to you

Kind of nice sentiments - and of course I think it sums up for all of us how we wish we could do something when people we love are in need.

When I heard the song this morning I didn't realize the singer was Melody Garot. She's a pretty phenomenal young woman. I first heard her story on NPR a couple of weeks ago. It's a story of suddenly changing directions and plans. Something I can relate to - and hopefully something that will give me courage and hope in the days to come.


Joseph H. said...

Aw crap, Mit -- you too? Ugh.

G Liz said...

I will pray for you to realize the boldness I know you have! I've been thinking about ya, and I'll continue to do so!!!

Love ya!!!

mamie said...

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I read the words that you have been laid off. I know that this is the first step toward something better for you.

Here's a little affirmation I say each day (sorry, don't remember where it came from):
"I entrust the good desires of my heart to God's loving care, and I know that with God all things are possible."

Anonymous said...

I know you want to stay busy so as not to think about your situation because that is the impetus for your lists. However, do spend good and high quality quiet time. As it is said, "Quiet yourself and listen to Me (God)". You will then know his majesty and he will bless your heart.