What I learned

Today I read this cooking blog post, "The Confidence Question"

It aligns with the Agile Manifesto - specifically the section on Iterative and Incremental Development. 

So here's the bottom line. I feel comfortable and safe with incremental learning and the iterative process in cooking. 

In my professional life? Not so much. Why?

 This is so timely. Thank you. I am a former chef – who now lives/works in the software world as a Product Manager. (this means I design the things you use).

As a cook – I am fairly fearless … I know the basics – and if something doesn’t work out – I review for “lessons learned”. Almost always – I am the harshest critic of the meal/dish – while everyone else just eats.
Without much loss of confidence I just adjust for the next time (rapid iteration).

But in my professional life? *shudder*. Any failure/shortcoming is a LACK OF ME … not “Oh! What did I/we learn – let’s work with the team to come up with something better.”

What’s the difference in the two situations … and how do I come to grow and promote the lessons that I’m so willing to try and SHARE in my professional life?

What's worth saving for?

I wish dieting was like saving.

I've gotten really good at the routine of saving money ... maybe even too good, because I feel guilty for spending on anything that's not a necessity.

However, I have not gotten good at the 'routine' of dieting. And when I eat "over budget" I excuse myself.

Which kind of indicates to me I am more afraid on pennilessness in old age than poor health.


Hmmm

Bablbe

It's Friday night here ... and late morning coffee time Sat. there ... in Oz.

For a very nice change, I am home tonight. It's not often I feel like this on Fri nights. I am such a hermit on Sat & Sun .. (okay - maybe more of a sloth) ... but anyway ... lots of drama around my typical "Friday night date night w/Chef Mit" gig (that I have done for the last 1 1/2 years. which has ended those events in the near term) ... but I can't tell you what a relief it was to know I could get my work done (at my real work) at whatever time I wanted, tonight it was (6:45pm) ... and although I had to stop @ the grocery store before coming home .... there weren't (2-10) people waiting for me to get from office/to grocery store/to (chosen) residence/to make dinner ... and wondering how long it would take me to put something together.   

And it's NOT that I don't love cooking for people ... and entertaining them. But honestly ... if you're going to host me (and other people, or even JUST ME) .... and I'm going to cook ... and I typically work 45-50 hours a week (oh, wait ... that sounds like not that much) ... I think MAYBE you could go to the grocery store .. (hmm never-mind this story, lots of drama about people you don't know).

Anyway ... only cooking for myself to night ... so the only criteria is that *I* like it ... and I am more forgiving of my meals with just me eating them, than when anyone else is joining me (I know you are not surprised) ... and tonight is very pleasant.

So .. I'm trying to think of the last thing I told you.... and where I need to pick up in my narrative. Well there's a lot that will just remain in the past ... but I did get a new job/promotion!!!

... and I'm ASSUMING the new (salaried) position will be MORE lucrative (really - the only way to get a serious raise is to change companies, isn't it?), and a better fit - with more mental challenges and opportunities to affect/effect change. (although this end of technology certainly doesn't have the patina of history that cotton does/did.)

However ... on almost a daily basis I am gleeful that I won't be having to do "x" anymore (...clock in/out, clock time against a project budget (that's unrealistic), deal with a 1,000 program bugs (that bleed you dry like death via 1,000 paper cuts), hold generic webinars (that don't match anyone's workflow), deal w/customers every day that feel like they've bought a pig in a poke), sit back and deal with something (designed by someone with no insight) that doesn't work) ... and I can actually write processes that are DETAILED ... and avoid PITFALLS ... and help create new programs that avoid PREVIOUS mistakes (of course ... there'll still be things we don't think of, won't there ?.... and things that don't work the way they need to... and mistakes *sigh*) ... and ALL WILL BE ORDERLY (shut up, this is MY dream) in the Land of Implementation. 

Tomorrow night - I am going to see Sugarland  (I assume you are familiar) ... and on then on May 13th I fly to Cali ...!!! to attend my first Innovation Catalyst Forum (just think "JAMES BOND, AGENT of "School of Change!) ... and see a childhood friend (known him since I was 2 yrs old ... HOLY CRAP, WE SAW THE EARTH COOL!!!) ... and be in "my" city ... 

So ... hopefully the tide is turning. (Please dear God ... let the tide turn). 

A single income household REALLY sucks. $1,800 for the new hot water heater, another $1-1500 for some home maintenance shit, $800/for tires (looming), plus my 2006 computer took a dump ... and I am (horribly irresponsible and really want to buy a more expensive Apple product) so $1200 there ... and then vacation time (tacked onto the end of a business trip) to Cali ... and knowing my Dad's 81st b'day is in July ... plus my (cough/cough) XXX class reunion - so (maybe) another trip home .... and it could REALLY deplete the old "carefully saved" savings account ... that keeps the wolf at bay and allows me to sleep at night. (ok - well, sleep for 3 hour stretches.) 

so - this is me circa 2012.  

Uncomfortably Squishy

Ok … here goes. I’m going to tell all. (Some of you think I’ve always told all … but really, it’s just that I don’t have a filter.)

Or maybe, it’s what YOU think is important/sacrosanct … isn’t what *I* think is sacrosanct and important.) (OMG … ALREADY … TWO SENENTENCES IN, I HAVE A DIGRESSION)

So!  … Now we know why people have different personalities – and disagreements – and start political/cultural/religious wars!!! (You’re welcome! For providing this obvious insight. Please send your millions of dollars in gratitude for unraveling this mystery to “MitMoi”)

So what I’m really going to tell you are those things that *I* DO filter … that maybe *YOU* wouldn’t. (And in the process … maybe admitting I am human, and fallible … and … “imperfect”) (squirms) (endlessly)

One of my biggest fears in life was being laid off.

OMG!!! If you are important … and GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO … and work hard, “You will always be employed and successful.” (So says the Bible according to Mit)

Wait … “If you are good at what you do … and work hard … AND KISS BUTT … (or play politics, swallow your tongue (or someone’s dick)) … you will always be employed and successful.” (So says the Bible of the “shallow”) (or “fake”) (or “unethical”) (OR ANYONE WHO IS NOT ME)

AND … no matter what, you HAVE TO BE SMART.

Like you can do MATH … and spell. And understand punctuation. Extra points for 4.0+ GPAs and taking “Honors and AP Courses.”

PLUS … you must be NICE.

And never be SARCASTIC. Or talk “bad” about people (even if you are pointing out their OBVIOUS flaws/shortcomings).

And … you must be “WEIGHT APPROPRIATE FOR HEIGHT”.

If you are not, it’s only logical that you are:

1.       Under-employed

2.       Unhappy

3.       Single

4.       Not … (okay … I’m thinking Donald Trump and Martha Stewart aren’t really the icon’s I want to present here) … THAT PERSON WHO HAS IT ALL!! And is successful and HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!!

So … here is me.

1. I work hard. (Maybe more than necessary)
2. I was (according to rumor) good at what I did
3. AND I BECAME UNEMPLOYED.

WHY??!?

1. I am not smart (or I can’t do simple math, spell, or punctuate sentences correctly) … And have never had a good (ie: more than a 3.0) GPA! (which clearly indicates I was never  an “Honors” or “AP” student)
2. I am not NICE. I might do nice things for people, but I am NOT “nice”. (or sweet) (or kind) (or thoughtful)
3. OH HELL YES … I AM sarcastic (Seriously. You are SHOCKED, aren’t you? You NEVER knew!)
4. And I am not “height appropriate to weight”. (In fact, I’m sure "some people" would say, 80% of my life would be better if I wasn’t “fat”.)  (This isn’t the same (in my opinion) as obese.) BUT STILL – it’s true … I am not a size 6. Or 12. Or even 16.

So … I found myself unemployed. And it SHOULD HAVE BEEN “the worst time ever”, right?

I mean, I should have lost my house, declared bankruptcy, and moved home.

But none of those things happened.

I had a part time (okay – I worked full time, but only billed part-time) job … COOKING AS A CHEF!!!

I had lots of “meetings”, and “To-do Lists”, and “goals” and “deadlines” … and I WAS MY OWN BOSS

And somehow I made enough (plus unemployment) to pay my mortgage and not become bankrupt. (or add any loan/credit card debt to my situation).

AND THEN I GOT A JOB!!! In a NEW INDUSTRY … that isn’t cyclical like agriculture! An industry that was EXPANIDNG!!! … And not “historical” … or part of the “good old boy” network.

And even though I agreed to a salary (what choice did I have?) at 50% less than I was making … 3 years ago … and even LESS than I was making in … 1997 … IT WAS A JOB! And it had POTENTIAL! (Right?)

And all the problems I’d run into previously … in that “good-old-boys” world … were because of that! Right? THIS new job was going to be PERFECT!

Only? It’s not.

And so what does that mean?

1. I am ungrateful
2. I am incompetent
3. I cannot keep my big mouth shut (ok, this IS true)
4. I … am a failure?
5. I’m not that smart?
6. I’m doomed because I cannot act “normally”?
7. I am broken

And you know what I hate MOST about other people?!?

1. People who don’t recognize their “shit” and blame all that’s bad in their life on “someone/something” else and don’t take responsibility for what they can control/change.
2. And people who whine. (GOD, DO I HATE WHINERS!)
3. And people who are NEGATIVE
4. HYPOCRATES

GUESS WHO I AM THESE DAYS?!?

So … what have I done?

1. Worked harder (close to 50/60 hours a week)
2. Ended all extra circular activities (because I am BROKE … and ALWAYS working)
3. Stopped socializing (because I am a loser). And negative. And if I open my mouth, I’ll whine.
4. Pushed all the interesting/fun/unusually interests/hobbies out of my life … because “social” = spending money. Or being … optimistic. (Or not a shrew)

And what does this mean?

1.       I am broken

2.       I don’t know how to fix myself

3.       I am unhappy

4.       I am scared

5.       I am … I dunno. Not successful. Not financially secure. Not … MIT/me

And there’s probably a whole lot more. (There is). But this is 1,022 words too revealing, so I’m going to stop.

One last thing. I have an opportunity (or two) … to look in someone’s face … and lay this all out … and “work on it” ... which means … change. And admit I am not right/in-charge/perfect. I dunno if I can go there. Which is why I’ve written this.

Because THIS is logic, right?

And who wants to be a fool? (Broken person/idiot/loser) 

I'm Not Hiding This Year

Birthdays are for ... being with those you care about most. When you’re single and your family doesn't live nearby ... birthdays can be a little weird. Do you hope people remember and invite you to do something? Do you say something and hope they surprise you? Do you just ignore it?

Back a million years ago, in Arizona, I use to throw my own birthday parties. I started throwing them after I realized ½ the people I wanted to share my day with weren’t included, because no one knew how to contact all my different friends and acquaintances. They were GREAT parties. Held at my favorite Mexican restaurant, La Fuente. The owners closed the restaurant and let us take over. Those WERE the best of times. I moved back to California – and my family threw me two great parties.

Then came North Carolina. I’ve been on the road for three of the last seven years for my birthday. That first year was the toughest. I refused to sit in my hotel room and be glum, so I took a customer out for dinner – and then later told them why. I used the same tactic on the other two b’days. Each dinner and client has been special.

The three out of the four times I’ve been home here in Raleigh, I've been with a small group of friends.

Last year, I hid. I’m not sure why. I didn’t want anyone doing anything for me. I’ve never worried about age. I don’t EVER want to worry about my age – or be depressed because I’m another year older. That just seems … self-defeating to me. But hanging out at home on your b’day sucks. (for me)

This year, I’m throwing myself a party again - because then I can be with everyone I love (who lives in town). So tonight, about 20-25 of my closest friends will be descending upon Chez Mit. Since I haven’t won the lottery, or received my tax refund (earmarked for SAVINGS), I’ve asked everyone to bring their favorite bottle of wine or champagne (or any beverage they like) - for a tasting! I’ve also asked them to bring an interesting cheese and a few crackers -or- some fruit -or- some cured meats. And we'll "as-build" the party from there.

I’m hoping some of the guests will bring digital cameras. If they do, I’ll post pictures.

Pics Please!

Fine, here you go ...

I like this ... it's kind of artsy, kind of mysterious, and really very like me! (well, I don't ALWAYS SMILE SO MUCH)

Although I guess this doesn't really prove that, does it?

Purple and Blue

Just a peek ...

Expressionless & Expressionism

Expressionless

It occurs to me, after looking over my last entry, that maybe I wasn’t very clear. Running through the back of my mind, with all those rambling words, was the thought, “God is so good to me. I am not worthy of so many blessings.”

I didn’t mean to sound whiny or ungrateful about all my good fortune. I was trying to point out the reverse, actually.

Expressionism

Remember Van Gogh and Evard Munch of the Expressionist Movement? It appears from time to time I make up words or phrases that are in the same style. i.e: They contain a lot of emotion, but don’t follow the “academic standards”.

Today at our office Christmas Lunch, I tried to tell the story about the suicide tree. While telling the story I used the same phrase I’d written last night. “Emergency Horse”.

Everyone at the table turned and stared at me, and interrupted my story. The GM said, “Wait! Wait! Before you go any further, how do they get the flashing lights mounted on the horses heads?”

“What do you mean?” I replied taking another swallow of wine. “They just clamp on. Or maybe they’re screwed in. I don’t know, I never looked at them very closely.”

Another co-worker said, “There were horses at the end of your street when you drove home? With police on them? Like “crowd control horses”? What the hell was going on in your neighborhood?”

Before I had a chance to answer either question another co-worker popped up with “And the horses are still standing after things are screwed into their head? Are you sure they’re not clamped on the headstall?”

“Are they trained like Riot Horses to not get spooked at the flashing lights?” said the receptionist.

“What the HELL are you guys talking about??”

“The Emergency Horses. We’re trying to figure out what YOU’RE talking about Mit,” they all replied.

For a moment I floundered. “You know. 'Emergency Horses'.”

Blank looks from everyone.

“They’re like saw horses. Except, you know, they have flashers on them.”

More blank looks.

“I don’t know, what do YOU call them?” I asked.

“You really don’t know what they’re called?”

“Well, it’s OBVIOUS, I don’t. Stop teasing me. What do you call them? For reals”, I asked.

At this point the President chose to speak up. “Well Mit. Outside of California – or your head, they’re called ‘barricades’.

Me.

Small voice.

“Oh yeah. Barricades.”

Of course – the image of the “Emergency Horses” wouldn’t leave the table. There was quite the detailed discussion about how you could engineer the flashing lights to work off the horses brain waves. Not to mention the hilarity that ensued when the topic of “riot horses” came back up. You know, “How do they get those helmets on the horse?”, “Do they throw rocks or hit the people with Billy Clubs?”, “I bet they attach the Billy Clubs to their tails!” … would be just a few of the ideas tossed around the table.

Thank God I didn't finish the story and tell them about the "suicide tree". We'd probably STILL BE at the restaurant.

Ah yes. Working with programmers and all boys. (with the exception of the receptionist.) Endless hilarity. Of the most nerdy sort.

I bet that’s not what YOU GUYS talk about at company Christmas parties, is it?