I love having company. I enjoy being a hostess. I like it when everything is comfortable and relaxed. I wouldn’t trade the last 17 days for anything.
I was too tired/stressed/distracted last night to appreciate being in my home by myself. Tonight has been sheer bliss. Me, a bottle of wine, quite, jazz in the background, and working on Josiah and an empty house. I feel some of the tension leaving my body.
I will go to the visitation for Don tomorrow night.
I don’t feel anything but disbelief at this point. No sadness or anger. There’s a twinge of fear in the background. Fear I will suddenly start feeling – and will not be able to hide the emotions. I’m not afraid to feel. I am afraid to add to anyone’s burden.
I have not asked for time off for the funeral on Friday. I think there are three reasons for this:
i: It is the “season” and we’re not allowed any time off. Plus there are some weird currents from the Memphis Office.
ii: Because this is sudden – with no forewarning, I am worried how I will deal with the funeral. More importantly, I am a “newbie” to this Sunday School Class. It’s true, I’ve been a part of them since 2003, but they’ve been together for the last 25 years. I think the grief of my classmates is going to be staggering. None of them should have to focus on me – and I’d prefer to be there to provide support – I just don’t know if I can.
iii: There are some other unresolved issues about death and estrangement in my life right now. I don’t want those issues to surface right now. I know I must face them. I know I cannot continue to put them off. I am playing a dangerous game. A potentially damaging game. I just don’t want those issues to be wrapped up in this. I’m not sure I can keep them separate.
I am putting limits on my life. One of those is going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. It might also include <whispers> limiting how much I procrastinate. </whisper>
I have not taken full advantage of my writing class. I have been “sliding by”. This is an old ingrained trick of mine from Elementary School days. Figure out how much is needed to meet the minimum, then beat myself up for not achieving the maximum.
I am going to try and be better … FOR TOMORROW. Then I’m going to try again on Friday. And again on Saturday. Hopefully I can establish a pattern.
Tomorrow is the first day of NaBloPoMo. (National Blog Posting Month). Like last year, I WILL post something EVERY, SINGLE DAY.
Last year is what made me believe I could write. This year I want to write shorter, more concise pieces. We’ll see.