Ok … here goes. I’m going to tell all. (Some of you think I’ve always told all … but really, it’s just that I don’t have a filter.)
Or maybe, it’s what YOU think is important/sacrosanct … isn’t what *I* think is sacrosanct and important.) (OMG … ALREADY … TWO SENENTENCES IN, I HAVE A DIGRESSION)
So! … Now we know why people have different personalities – and disagreements – and start political/cultural/religious wars!!! (You’re welcome! For providing this obvious insight. Please send your millions of dollars in gratitude for unraveling this mystery to “MitMoi”)
So what I’m really going to tell you are those things that *I* DO filter … that maybe *YOU* wouldn’t. (And in the process … maybe admitting I am human, and fallible … and …
“imperfect”) (squirms) (endlessly)
One of my biggest fears in life was being laid off.
OMG!!! If you are important … and GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO … and work hard, “You will always be employed and successful.” (So says the Bible according to Mit)
Wait … “If you are good at what you do … and work hard … AND KISS BUTT … (or play politics, swallow your tongue (or someone’s dick)) … you will always be employed and successful.” (So says the Bible of the “shallow”) (or “fake”) (or “unethical”) (OR ANYONE WHO IS NOT ME)
AND … no matter what, you HAVE TO BE SMART.
Like you can do MATH … and spell. And understand punctuation. Extra points for 4.0+ GPAs and taking “Honors and AP Courses.”
PLUS … you must be NICE.
And never be SARCASTIC. Or talk “bad” about people (even if you are pointing out their OBVIOUS flaws/shortcomings).
And … you must be “WEIGHT APPROPRIATE FOR HEIGHT”.
If you are not, it’s only logical that you are:
4. Not … (okay … I’m thinking Donald Trump and Martha Stewart aren’t really the icon’s I want to present here) … THAT PERSON WHO HAS IT ALL!! And is successful and HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!!
So … here is me.
- I work hard. (Maybe more than necessary)
- I was (according to rumor) good at what I did
- AND I BECAME UNEMPLOYED.
- I am not smart (or I can’t do simple math, spell, or punctuate sentences correctly) … And have never had a good (ie: more than a 3.0) GPA! (which clearly indicates I was never an “Honors” or “AP” student)
- I am not NICE. I might do nice things for people, but I am NOT “nice”. (or sweet) (or kind) (or thoughtful)
- OH HELL YES … I AM sarcastic (Seriously. You are SHOCKED, aren’t you? You NEVER knew!)
- And I am not “height appropriate to weight”. (In fact, I’m sure "some people" would say, 80% of my life would be better if I wasn’t “fat”.) (This isn’t the same (in my opinion) as obese.) BUT STILL – it’s true … I am not a size 6. Or 12. Or even 16.
So … I found myself unemployed. And it SHOULD HAVE BEEN “the worst time ever”, right?
I mean, I should have lost my house, declared bankruptcy, and moved home.
But none of those things happened.
I had a part time (okay – I worked full time, but only billed part-time) job … COOKING AS A CHEF!!!
I had lots of “meetings”, and “To-do Lists”, and “goals” and “deadlines” … and I WAS MY OWN BOSS
And somehow I made enough (plus unemployment) to pay my mortgage and not become bankrupt. (or add any loan/credit card debt to my situation).
AND THEN I GOT A JOB!!! In a NEW INDUSTRY … that isn’t cyclical like agriculture! An industry that was EXPANIDNG!!! … And not “historical” … or part of the “good old boy” network.
And even though I agreed to a salary (what choice did I have?) at 50% less than I was making … 3 years ago … and even LESS than I was making in … 1997 … IT WAS A JOB! And it had POTENTIAL! (Right?)
And all the problems I’d run into previously … in that “good-old-boys” world … were because of that! Right? THIS new job was going to be PERFECT!
Only? It’s not.
And so what does that mean?
- I am ungrateful
- I am incompetent
- I cannot keep my big mouth shut (ok, this IS true)
- I … am a failure?
- I’m not that smart?
- I’m doomed because I cannot act “normally”?
- I am broken
And you know what I hate MOST about other people?!?
- People who don’t recognize their “shit” and blame all that’s bad in their life on “someone/something” else and don’t take responsibility for what they can control/change.
- And people who whine. (GOD, DO I HATE WHINERS!)
- And people who are NEGATIVE
GUESS WHO I AM THESE DAYS?!?
So … what have I done?
- Worked harder (close to 50/60 hours a week)
- Ended all extra circular activities (because I am BROKE … and ALWAYS working)
- Stopped socializing (because I am a loser). And negative. And if I open my mouth, I’ll whine.
- Pushed all the interesting/fun/unusually interests/hobbies out of my life … because “social” = spending money. Or being … optimistic. (Or not a shrew)
And what does this mean?
1. I am broken
2. I don’t know how to fix myself
3. I am unhappy
4. I am scared
5. I am … I dunno. Not successful. Not financially secure. Not … MIT/me
And there’s probably a whole lot more. (There is). But this is 1,022 words too revealing, so I’m going to stop.
One last thing. I have an opportunity (or two) … to look in someone’s face … and lay this all out … and “work on it” ... which means … change. And admit I am not right/in-charge/perfect. I dunno if I can go there. Which is why I’ve written this.
Because THIS is logic, right?
And who wants to be a fool? (Broken person/idiot/loser)