Small Town; Big Town

Today I was talking to a friend and mid-conversation he said, “The police are here, down the hall. Sounds like one of the tenants is up to something, because I heard them talking out there to some girl and they want to try to get a warrant to search his place. They came by to ask me some questions about what I've heard. Odd. They're still knocking on his door. This has been going on for about 20 minutes, now.”

Because I am a kind and caring friend I said, “Ohhh .... neighbors ... wow ... do you think someone has been ... hurt/killed/abducted?” Because I love drama in other people’s lives.

He called his girlfriend and then told me, “It's a tenant dispute. She thinks it’s a domestic thing between this girl who lives here and the guy she dates. The police are here looking for him or something.”

I value my friends, so I passed on this piece of wisdom to him, “If you see guns or hear shots ... lay flat on the floor. Unless of course they live BELOW you ... then it might be wisest to press yourself against a wall.”

I wanted him to know I was qualified to pass on this advice, so I relayed this story to him.

***

On one of my Mom’s first visits to Phoenix, just after we’d said goodnight, there were gunshots outside somewhere nearby. They weren’t in the parking lot – it sounded like maybe they were a block over or something so I wasn't worried. The next thing I knew, her ghostly outline appeared in my bedroom doorway.

"Did you hear that?" she asked.

"What?"

"That noise ... THERE that noise right there!" she said when another couple of popping sounds occurred.

"Oh ... someone's car is backfiring", I told her.

"Mittany Moi!!! You grew up around guns. THAT IS NO CAR BACKFIRING!!!"

"If you know what's making the sound, why are you asking me?"

"Aren't you afraid?"

"No - it happens kind of frequently."

"What do you do?"

"When I hear that sound?" I asked.

"Yes, you don't just lie there in bed do you?"

"Actually I do. I say to myself, 'Huh. 'nother car backfiring.' And then I don't walk around near the windows. Usually I just stay in my bed because I think it would be a difficult trajectory for the bullet to angle up to the second floor and hit me here in this waterbed.” Continuing on I said, “Assuming it's not just a car backfiring, I ESPECIALLY wouldn't stand there like that Mom. You make a perfect target!"

lol

She peered at me through the darkness to see if I was serious .. and then glanced out the window. (Which looked on the end of the building next door. Or in other words … she glanced out to no view).

"How do you think I should get back to the living room?" she asked in a whisper as she crouched her six-foot self down, trying to become smaller.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee in the waterbed.

It was almost as funny as when she wanted to see if it was reported in the police log the next morning in the Arizona. Republic.

"MOM!!! SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE LIVE HERE IN PHOENIX. They only report on the gunshots where people get hit AND DIE ... And even THEN it doesn't always make the paper. They certainly do not report every time a gun goes off!"

When I finished my story, do you know what my friend’s response was??

“JESUS … YOUR MOM IS SIX-FEET TALL??!”

I'm still giggling at his response.