Do you ever find yourself afraid of things that no one would ever believe were things YOU feared?
Like if you had a friend who was an airline pilot, it would be pretty weird to hear them say they were afraid of flying, wouldn't it?
Me? I'm an outgoing person. I talk to strangers everywhere. In line at the grocery store, at the car rental place, the bar, the restaurant, ON THE INTERNET, I am not shy or reserved by any measurement. Yet, I have two people I'm meeting this week, and I'm nervous about both encounters.
Tonight I'm meeting Geggie , a fellow blogger. We'd planned to meet a couple of months ago - but schedules didn't permit. As I was getting ready for work this morning I thought of sending her an e-mail along these lines:
I cannot wait to meet you tonight. But I just want you to be prepared. I am not very fashionable - and my job - although it does include lots of traveling isn't nearly as interesting/fun/challenging as yours. I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about, but if you're thinking you're going to be meeting this professional/sophisticated person - please adjust your sights lower.
Now HOW STUPID is that??
Then I read HER blog today - and realized we're BOTH slightly nervous. Now I don't feel so "all alone"! Yay for blogging!
Then there's my vacation in Dayton starting on Thursday.
At times, I can get rather "wound-up". I am overly dramatic, talk fast and loud, don't wait for people to respond, tell long rambling stories about nothing - and just in general kind of overwhelm people with my "Mitness".
I can tell when I'm doing this. They get that "OMG I'm tied on the railroad tracks and here she comes!" look on their face. You'd think if I noticed the look, I could stop myself. But I can't! It's like someone is stoking the engine with more and more coal - and even though the brakeman is trying to slow things down ... the engineer has the throttle FULL OPEN.
Some people? They like full-throttle Mit. Of course - they've met me before - and they are generally gregarious people themselves, able to hold their own, if you will.
Then there are those OTHER PEOPLE. The quiet, "don't-give-any-clue-about-what's-going-on-inside" people. They are like expert poker-players; cool, collected, never revealing anything. The more they stay behind the facade of impassiveness - the more I try to get some sort of response out of them. I'm like a magnet being drug in dirt around those people.
I know they are looking at me appalled at all the shit I've picked up from the dirt - thinking, "OMG - how do I turn her off?" And here, more and more stuff is clinging to me.
I SO don't want to be that person on Thursday (or Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon). I want the person I'm going to visit to be excited to see me. To show some of that excitement. To respond with enthusiasm to me - not just go into deep-freeze mode. I know if I told them my fears, they'd just blow them off. "Meh. We'll be fine."
But what if we're NOT fine? It's not like I have dozens and dozens of friends that send me pictures of cars everyday. Who'll talk me out of doing stupid things - who forces me to own up to my own game-playing.
At times (like for two seconds every hour) I can be really rational about this - and know I don't often alienate people the first time around (heh - usually it takes YEARS for people to decide "mercurial and quixotic" are fun to read, but not so fun to experience) and that I'm a great guest, fun person, nice to know blah-blah-blah. But those two seconds are SO DAMN FLEETING.
Well - anyway. I'm off! It's all going to go well. Geggie and I are going to laugh and drink and snack - and talk, and talk, and talk. And Dayton is going to be a great trip too. We'll still be friends when it's over - and I'll have done some lovely things and seen a new part of the US.
Thanks for listening to Mercurial Mit.
EDIT TO ADD:
Okay ...it's official. I'm a dork. Geggie was/is wonderful. (heh - "was" makes it sound like she's stowed away in my freezer now)
We did talk non-stop. We even know the same cotton farmers in Arizona!!! She is delightful and charming and witty. Next time she comes this way for a meeting, she'll be staying at Chez Mit! (Go me!)