Sunday, June 10, 2007

Armed armadillo/Pistol Toting Possum

There is something big and scary in/under/around my dishwasher. Last night - after I climbed into bed - and was ready to drift off to slumber land, I heard something. At first I ignored it. You do that when you're single. I mean, really! You just can't let an over-active imagination take over at every little sound. For the next 5 or 10 minutes the erratic sounds continued. I tried to ignore them. No luck. The noise continued. It seemed to come from the kitchen. I get up and wander into the kitchen and turn on the light. I was anticipating at big scary bug - no such bug in view. Back to bed. My body tenses ... What was that?? It's like something is settling or shifting. I get back out of bed and head to the kitchen AGAIN. I look at the clean dishes and baking sheets stacked in the dish-drainer in the kitchen sink. Nope; nothing falling, moved or shifted - and the sound is gone. Back to bed. There's the noise AGAIN. Try to ignore … futile. UP AGAIN. Walk toward kitchen - noise continues - it sounds like a bug in the paper sack I left on the counter-top from the party I attended earlier in the evening. Now a decision must be made. Look in the bag? Try to move the bag outside? (either option requires touching the bag, and maybe encountering said bug.) Decide to wait until bug frees itself from the bag - and then deal with the freed bug in the morning, should it chose to reveal itself. Turn stereo in the living room up just a little louder - to drown out the noise out and continue on way BACK to bed. 15 minutes pass - I'm just about relaxed - and the noise comes back. This time it's LOUDER … and it sounds metallic and rattling. OMG! I wonder if I left my keys in the front door??? And a neighbor has seen them on a midnight-dog-walk and is taking them OUT of the door??? GET UP AGAIN … turn on front porch light - look outside through big front window. Porch empty. Open door. No keys in doorknob. Close door and walk back toward kitchen, spy house keys on counter top … AND HEAR NOISE. Uhh, oh! Is it coming from the floor vent? The cabinet under the sink? INSIDE the dishwasher??? Has flashes of Alien popping out of air vent. Decides to NOT investigate. Stands still. Nope - NOT air vent. Slowly open cabinet door (it opens on the left) - stand to the right so the open door can protect me from the impending menace. Nothing rushes to freedom. Peek in cabinet. Empty. Sound continues - rustle, rustle, scratch, scratch. Eye dishwasher. For unexplainable reason, decides OPENING the dishwasher door is more risky than the cabinet door. Stands there in consternation. What to do? What to do??? Summons bravery and turns on dishwasher. Jumps back. Of course, I am expecting to hear 'trapped' sounds. The clawing of claws, squeaking, outrage as water fills the dishwasher. NO SOUNDS emanate from dishwasher. Considers opening door - but maybe invader is now scared shitless and is dying from fright even-as-I-stand-there???. (because LORD KNOWS, I am almost there myself!) Decide to investigate further in the morning. Turn to leave the kitchen. Noise starts up again. It sounds like it's coming from UNDER the dishwasher. Turn back on dishwasher hoping sound will scare intrepid intruder away. Metallic gnawing commences. Great … maybe it will electrocute itself? No such luck. Turn off dishwasher (I mean, after all, we are in a drought, and there are no dishes in the dishwasher. How irresponsible CAN I be?) More noise! Stupid cheeky critter. Get worried about "black space" under dishwasher. Hmmm - is that open space? Is it closed off? Is there access? Noise continues - gnawing and clawing sounds. LOUD not mouse like sounds. Trust me - these were not dainty little claws - or small teeth making these noises. What to do, what to do????? Arm self with very large metal serving spoon. Go to hall closet to get flashlight. Reconsider flashlight. Do I really want beady eyes staring back at me if there is no kickboard under dishwasher? Decide answer is NO. (Also offer hurried prayer of forgiveness from friend Megan in California who once called in the middle of the night because a rat was running around in her house. My sage advice at the time was to close the bedroom door and put a towel under door. Rethinks unkind and unfeeling past advice. Considers the wisdom of said advice. Discards it.) Returns to kitchen sans flashlight. Begins banging on dishwasher. Explores space under dishwasher. I am pleased to discover full kick board with no gaps. Noise stops. Turn off kitchen lights. Head back to bed. No more noise issues forth. Goes to sleep. Get up this morning. Kitchen still standing. Nothing is chewed up. Go to church. In Sunday School mention fears duing "Sharing and Prayer Time". Doe anyone step forward and say, "Hey Mit, no problem! I'll come over after church and look under the house and see what I can see????" HELL NO! One friend offers number of non-emergency 911 and tells me to ask for pest control. "Tell them there's something under the house", she councils - they'll come and remove it for free. Which is nice ... and maybe ultimately helpful. BUT! I mean, what do I say? Hi! My name is Mit! I live by myself and I'm a coward??? I thought someone was breaking into my house last night, but they weren't, and a large armadillo/possum/fanged menace might be under my house, but I'm not sure because I'm afraid to open the door and hunch over and walk into the space 3 feet before I can turn on the light??????? OF COURSE I can't make that call!! Do you know how much SHIT I would give anyone who told this story??? So … what to do? What to do! NO I am NOT going to go look. Do you NOT watch horror movies??? (I don't either, but I did read DesiHannigan's Journal on "How to survive a Horror Flick" and I am SURE I am being smart by not investigating.) I sure hope my neighbor comes home soon - and I can swallow my embarrassment - or hope my fear increases to fever pitch so I am FORCED to ask HIM to investigate before I call the "non-emergence 911 number. So - if you don't hear from me again, you'll know. It was an armed armadillo/pistol toting possum cross-breed with a wire-chewing wisdom tooth weasel that has possessed my house and I am being held prisoner. Look under the house for my remains - and DO NOT let it drink the scotch collection without a fight! Do you hear me? Hmmm - drinking … maybe that's the solution???! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Okay - well, I saw nothing shredded into a nest down there - but I didn't go very far as there are two huge black-widow spider-webs strung across the flooring cross-members - and numerous "baby-balls". I will call my insect control people tomorrow and have them spray down there - then after the spiders are dead, I will investigate further - and hope I hear no sounds tonight. Stupid Animals, there's a whole forest and stream 50 yards away. Why don't you go hang out there with all your pals?? Just because I like writing about nature, doesn't mean I like experiencing it up close!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's not the armed armadillos you have to worry about! It's the kevlar covered kangaroos!
-alacrityfitz

tp said...

Poor baby. Who ? You? Or the poor mother who is probably trying to make a nice warm bed so she can have a whole litter of WHATEVERS !!!!!!!!! I'd go open the door down there in the daytime - if you don't see anything, close it and wait until tonite !! Maybe more entertainment will follow !!!! *o*

tp said...

PS - Hey - you could have called us --- we're 3 hrs. earlier !!! *O*

Mit_Moi said...

Yeah, I pretty much think if I'm unwilling to open up the dishwasher in the relative "safety" of my well-lit home, there's not a chance IN HELL of me going down there in the dark when "WHATEVER-It-Is" is making noise, Talla Palla.